Sometimes I like to blog about things other than couponing. Right now is one of those times.
I have always have a problem with body image. I am 5’5″ and have never weighed over 130 lbs. in my entire life (aside from the two times I was pregnant, which I am not counting for obvious reasons). At the moment, I am 122 lbs., having shed 8 lbs. over the past month in an attempt to feel better about myself. But the sad reality is, no matter how much weight I shed, I won’t.
I have always seen my body differently from other people. The first issue I had was with my nose. As a teenager, I wanted nothing more than to get a nose job. Now, at 33, I’m finally at peace with it.
But I’m not at peace with my stomach.
As a young adult, I had the perfect flat stomach. At the time, I didn’t realize that there was nothing wrong with my body. I always felt like I could always be thinner, and I went through diet after starvation diet, trying to achieve what I thought was perfection. I got my weight down to 102 lbs. at one point and people asked me if I was sick. I still thought I weighed too much. (I found out later that I was suffering from undiagnosed depression.)
After having had abdominal surgery to remove a 36″ ovarian cyst at the age of 22, it became blatantly obvious that I was formerly out of touch with reality. And maybe I still am. I look at my somewhat misshapen stomach, stitched up (in my opinion) awkwardly, and I’m completely disgusted. I don’t listen when I am told that there is nothing wrong with the way I look, that my stomach is fine, and that even if my stomach isn’t flat it doesn’t matter, I’m loved anyway. I am glad that other people can overlook my flaws, but I’m disturbed by the fact that I can’t. They are my flaws; don’t most people only care about what other people think? Why am I having the reverse problem?
I researched tummy tucks, only to find out about the many risks involved, as well as obvious scarring…and having already dealt with odd scarring from my previous surgical procedure, I really don’t want to risk even more. It is expensive ($3,000+) and recovery time is far longer than I hoped. As well, there is far more involved in terms of aftercare than I imagined.
I tried exercise, but nothing I do seemed to make a difference. My stomach is still odd, still somewhat flabby. I entertained the idea of a personal trainer before realizing that those are out of my price range, too.
I may “look great for having had two kids.” But for me, that is not enough. I want to look great, period. I want the body back that I didn’t realize I had before it was gone. But most of all, for once in my life, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
EDIT: I contacted a plastic surgeon here in Cincinnati who does free consultations. So…I’m mulling over the idea of going in just to see what they have to say, if nothing else. It’s definitely a hefty bill, but it may be worth it in the long run.